Harass is Not Two Words

I don’t remember exactly what I said to the assistant manager at the chain restaurant I worked at when I was in my early 20s as a waitress. It might have been an intelligent or biting comment, but it didn’t warrant what came next. He responded by slapping me on the buttocks – hard.   The smack could be heard in the dining room, and he and I looked at each other, shocked.   For him, I think he was taken aback that it was so loud and that he had struck a staff member. For me, it was the fact that someone had spanked me like a child, but it was not done with the parental oversight of trying to teach a young progeny right from wrong; it was done to silence me.  A couple of other staff members had also seen it, so it would not be a “he said/she said” situation. As far as jobs go, server positions were easy to come by in Miami, so the threat of “You’ll never work in this town again!” was hollow. 

He ran away, trying to get as much distance between us as possible. Rather than just take it, to my amazement, I stood up for myself. As my left cheek tingled and stung from the force of impact, I followed him and cornered him in the alcove where the servers rolled silverware when we didn’t have a party that would be seated there.  He looked scared. He was a young manager, and this was clearly out of expertise, but he got the message.   

    “Hey Kelley, I’m sorry. I’m not sure why I did that, please – forgive me!” he begged, thinking more of his job than currying my dispensation.  

    “Don’t you ever lay a hand on any of the staff like that again, or I swear to God I will go to Bruce,” I said, referencing the area manager who would probably actually do something about it – the general manager – not so much. 

    “Okay, I’m sorry, let me make it up to you....Here’s a gift card for a free order of zucchini sticks,” he offered as a quick settlement. 

    “No thanks, keep it. But seriously, I don’t want you to ever touch the wait staff,” I said, walking away with my rump still burning. 

When I got off my shift, I went into the back bathroom with another female server and asked if she could see anything. We both looked, and there was a red handprint. Now, I had another witness who was ready to back me up if I ever needed it. Luckily, I didn’t. The Kiefer Sutherland look-alike never bothered the servers again and was later transferred. In hindsight, decades later, I should have reported him, but this was the early 90s, and who knows what would have happened - more than likely, nothing, and I would have been fired.

Fast forward to today, where claims against men, both famous and unknown, seem to abound and are being taken seriously.  I thought the torrent would have started when the allegations against Bill Cosby came to light. I had blogged then about my assault in college and received kind words of support, but it did not even approach the dam breaking after the Harvey Weinstein revelations. Maybe because Weinstein had affected more women, maybe because it wasn’t TV’s lovable Cliff Huxtable who seemed a world away from the terrible things that Cosby was accused of doing. Weinstein was never part of our national conscience. He was not “Fat Albert”. He never tried to teach us right from wrong. When his crimes came to light – it was easier to start shining the light on all the rodents in Hollywood, politics, and other industries. We are still watching them scatter like vermin to either deny the charges or, in some cases, come clean and admit what they have done. What we see now are serious repercussions – long overdue and badly needed. 

But in these early days of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movement, there is confusion on what constitutes a one-time lapse in judgment vs. a pattern of foul or abusive behavior.   A company that has a clear sexual harassment policy and a way to report issues is going to be way ahead of the ones that are just now figuring out how they are going to handle those accusations.  I’ve heard radio DJs wonder out loud if holding a door constitutes sexual harassment. The answer is no – it’s just good manners. I’ve heard young men worry that if they ask someone out and say no, does that mean harassment – again, not if you say thanks and move on.  

The Harvey Weinstein Effect has exposed countless men who use their positions to pressure women for favors and then deny it as per their lawyers or try to make into the women’s fault for consenting to meet them privately in their office or after work for dinner or coffee.   Many women are programmed to be people pleasers – so even if our internal instincts are screaming – “OH HELL NO!” many will take that private after-hours closed-door meeting and hope for the best.   

What all companies need to do now is review their procedures for

reporting abuse. An incident report form needs to be developed, and a confidential way to report infractions must be implemented. Management needs to have a clear expectation of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable behavior, and it needs to be a training that all employees– including executive staff and board members- should attend. The last thing any company needs right now is even a hint of impropriety, so sitting down and explaining the rules should be part of a regular training/new orientation program. Knowing your rights and how to report an issue to the proper chain of command is now a vital skill in the workplace.

Here are a few steps that might help if you are ever in a situation where you need to report abuse or are thinking of reporting an incident that happened in the past:

•      If it is recent - report it immediately to the HR department. If you work for a small company and HR is the boss’s wife, and he’s the perpetrator, tell a friend. 
•      Document everything that happened – date, time, place, what was said and anyone who could have witnessed it.   
•      Save the report in several places so it can’t be deleted or hacked.
•      If you feel that you will not get any help from your company’s Human Resources Department, contact the Employment Equal Opportunity Commission (EEOC) and make a complaint.
•      If you have something like Legal Shield, you can talk to an attorney who can guide you on how to file a grievance or lawsuit if it comes to that.

Thankfully, for victims of sexual harassment and abuse, the tide is turning, and there is no longer a stigma attached to speaking out. Now if another server gets slapped by a manager, she can legally slap back. 

Buttressing Your Security

Do you fear the Lord?" a donor asked me as he was dropping off some items for children at the foundation I used to work for.. Normally, I would have just said "yes" and thanked him for his donation. Still, it felt different this time; I was alone in the office, and that line sounded like the type a serial killer says right before he strikes.  

I said yes but moved toward the receptionist's desk, where she kept her pencils, pens, and a pair of sharp scissors in a cup on her desk. While the man continued to fill out his donation papers, I quietly took the scissors out of the cup and put them behind my back in the waistband of my slacks. I had it nearby if I needed a weapon to ward off this potential Ted Bundy. 

I kept him talking until he had finished filling out his paperwork and told him how much the kids would appreciate the items he brought. I also sized him up – he was no taller than me and probably in his 50s. If I needed to act quickly, I would stab him in the eye, immobilizing him and giving me time to run out into the hallway and call for help.

I was surprised at how calmly I could decide to use lethal force if necessary, and I was also kicking myself for leaving the door unlocked while everyone else was at lunch. He mentioned that he had seen charities not give items to those in need, and I assured him that the sick kids in our hospital would get the items he donated. That explained his need to ask if I was a God-fearing woman so he'd know that I wouldn't keep the new Game of Life and Barbie dolls he was donating. 

He handed me his paperwork, and I walked him to the door, thanking him again for his donation while my heart was pumping so hard I was pretty sure he could hear it. I told him I would send a photo of us delivering the items. Once he was out in the hallway, I locked the door and put a chair in front of it. I returned the scissors to it's rightful holder and plopped down in a chair at the reception desk because my legs felt like they would give out from under me. Thirty minutes later, my co-workers started to trickle back and were surprised that the door was locked and a chair was blocking the door. When I told them what happened, we decided to have an impromptu staff meeting to develop a security policy. From that day forward, the door was locked if even two staff members were present, and we installed a doorbell to alert us if someone had arrived. It was simple enough and added some peace of mind.

Fast forward to today and my current career, where I make cold calls on small businesses and walk into security situations on any given day. Over the last year, I have physically walked into over 1,200 small businesses and about 85% of the time, I am often discouraged and wholly appalled at the lack of security most places have for their staff. I've walked into offices where I stood for five minutes, called out, and said hello. I heard people in the back, but no one came to the front. In the meantime, laptops, cell phones, and purses in the front could be quickly taken while the staff was hanging out in the back. With no cameras to be seen anywhere – a person could walk away with thousands of dollars of equipment in a briefcase virtually undetected, which would probably include sensitive information about the business. The other day, I walked into an office with an open door and a photocopy of six credit cards on top of the desk - it would have been nothing for me to slip out with those numbers to use as I wished. Worse, I've been in offices and announced myself only to have a lone woman walk up, startled that I had been standing there and she had no idea anyone was around. A single staff member is very vulnerable if they are unaware of the potential dangers. I was lucky that my "Fear the Lord" dude was harmless, but others might not be so lucky.

For my personal security, if no one comes to the front and I hear someone in the rear office, I NEVER walk back for a few reasons. One reason is that depending on the work policies at that particular organization, if you startle someone and they have a gun, they could shoot you in self-defense, thinking you are a burglar. Another reason is that as a woman, I could get jumped, so I will either write down the business's name or take a picture of the front door to remind me to call them later from the safety of my home.

My office experience heightened my own sensitivity, so I know that security is not something you play around with. It needs to be taken seriously for the sake of your staff and business. The best part is that it can be done relatively inexpensively.

Here are some simple suggestions for how to protect you,  your employees, and your customers:

• If you have the budget for a receptionist/administrative assistant, have them sit up front and set up a system of name badges for visitors. Your visitors should sign in and have the receptionist ask who they are visiting. Reception is the "gate-keeper," so give them a clear policy of how to guide guests to the people they need to see but train them to anticipate an issue before it becomes a crisis.

• For small businesses that do not depend on retail foot traffic, keep the door looked and install a doorbell or intercom system in which your guests can announce themselves. If you expect them, send someone to the front to open the door; if not, ask them to leave their information in the front, and someone will get back to them. 

• If you can't afford a dedicated receptionist and have the room - create a small receiving area where a guest can walk in the front and call who they need to see – the door to the rest of the office should be locked. The person who is meeting with a guest can walk up and let them into the rest of the office. 

• At night, ensure that the parking lot is well-lit and no one is left alone in the office. The last two staff members should use the buddy system to walk to their cars. Make a  policy that allows them to finish their work from home to prevent being the last person out the door after dark.  

     It's not about being paranoid; it's about being safe. Most of the time, you and your employees will not have an issue, but just like preparations for a weather emergency, you need to plan in advance to help keep everyone out of harm's way. Ultimately, having a boss who will protect their greatest "asset" speaks volumes about your integrity and how much you value your staff.